Thursday, 09 December 2010

Last year at this time we were shoveling out of a blizzard after having made a perilous trip to see Mom in the hospital.  When we left the hospital on this night last year, I had no idea I'd be driving back the next day to watch my mother die.  Last year at this time, I was cautiously optimistic that Mom would beat the pneumonia like she'd beat all the cancers and illnesses before.  Looking back now, I realize I was in denial already then; in fact I'd been in denial for over a year.  One of the last memories I have of Mom, when she was upright and conscious, is her patting the hospital bed wanting me to sit near her.  I did, but instead of talking about how grateful I was that she was my mother, I blabbered on about stupid, trivial goings-on in my life.  I tend to do that when I'm nervous and uncomfortable.  This is one of my regrets that we didn't have a heart-to-heart talk one last time, which actually would've been our first time.  This is something that I've tried to change in my relationship w/ my daughters so I guess I'm saying exactly what Kenzie was saying to me last night: "When I'm a mom, I'll do things differently."  I learned how to be a mom by following what my mom did, but also by going my own way too so it's only fair to let my daughter do the same when she's a mom......many years down the road.